Monday, April 28, 2014

There's a Hole

    This feels so wrong... Richard should be here, egging me on. Dad should be there, teasing me and mom. But instead there's just this nothingness. This terrible silence. Peace? No. Couldn't be. too troubling... like calm before a storm. I had a total meltdown yesterday. And i don't even know why. I remember thinking, "I feel like i'm living in a nightmare." I think I was missing dad. And Richard. I don't like this peace of mind. I don't like that hole. Yes, hole. I feel like there's a tear in the energy. I'm usually not really spiritual or anything, but I can literally feel the absance. There's no pretending-to-be-contained laughter when I fall (for a joke or for real) and there's no massive hand helping me up. There's no brother to blame. 
    But there is beauty in it too.  I've never particularly liked deserts, but it was very fun hiking, and I enjoyed myself a lot. The rarity of it makes grass seem even more enchanting. It reminds me of dad. The pool is cool and calming,  and i guess i don't mind the absence of a constant stream of abuse flowing from my brother's mouth. I still miss dad, but we get to talk on the phone whenever we want until we're in Mx. I guess you could say I've got it made, as i said in a letter once, going away for a month? That's the kind of stuff i dream about! 
    I can't wait to reclaim my passage to now.

1 comment:

  1. Carmen,I understand how you feel and you captured it so well in words. You are carrying your dad (and even your big bro) with you in your heart. Go there when you are lonely.